My Story: God Never Gave Up On Me

I’ve devoted over 20 years to writing a book about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, mostly because of the remarkable and unforgettable way Christ kept pursuing me and not giving up on me. The result was my “conversion,” meaning my change from one state (spiritual brokenness) to another (spiritual renewal).

Update 2/22/22: Today, I re-read this post and was struck by the power of these experiences. If you’re in need of hope and pure testimony of the undeniable reality of the grace of God and His power over the darkness of evil, please read this to the end. I needed this myself today, strange as that may sound, and was deeply humbled and uplifted. 

In my 20’s, the confusion of trying to find my way to God was torturous—in spite of my sincerest efforts.

Finally “finding Christ” brought the peace and clarity I was looking for, but it certainly wasn’t like walking into a door labeled Nirvana and then thinking, “Ahh! It’s all good now.”

There was a process that gradually filled me with light—triggered by one key insight and the most difficult decision of my entire life.

Growing Up in Light and Truth

I was raised by faith-filled parents in a gospel-centered home. It was an idyllic setting. A family a with father, mother, three children, and a large community with kids everywhere, bordered by the dense forests of northwest Pennsylvania where we played and fantasized about great discoveries and conquests.

Attending church every Sunday was a given. Family prayer was routine and sincere and our home had a spirit of meekness, love, and obedience to God.

As a child and teenager, the other members of our small church family were important influences on me. The older members of our congregation had the Spirit of God with them when they spoke, showing a “peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way” (1 Timothy 2:2, ESV). It was obvious that they were sincere in their beliefs. They believed and they lived according to that belief. Period.

I was taught many stories from the scriptures. These often touched me and, looking back, I sensed that they were true. I felt good when I read the scriptures myself, although I typically had better things to do and simply didn’t bother.

I didn’t pray on my own. I didn’t disbelieve that there was a God but I didn’t really believe it in the way the scriptures teach us to believe. And I certainly didn’t feel his love, nor did I ever feel what I would call love for God either. Sayings like, “God loves you” just bounced off me. “Everybody knows that,” I would think to myself.

But I didn’t really know it.

A Gift to the Undeserving

Maybe you can relate to what I’m about to share. Maybe in some way, God touched you whether you deserved it or whether you were seeking him or not. Maybe, at the time, you didn’t recognize it as such.

God reached down to me powerfully twice when I was a teenager.

One day in church, after watching an inspiring video about some story in the scriptures, I recall walking into the hallway feeling touched and uplifted. I paused in front of a bulletin board and looked at a picture of Christ surrounded by people in old-fashioned clothes like the ancients might wear.

As I stood there, pure light of understanding entered my whole being as I stared at Christ in the center of this picture. I wasn’t consciously trying to think of anything. It just hit me.

I comprehended that Christ was God, the unchangeable God of the universe. I mean, I knew it and I understood it. I comprehended that the trends and fashions and ideas of men will come and go, but the wisdom and supremacy of God are unchanging. It was obvious why some people were bent down in an attitude of worship. This insight was a gift of spiritual light that filled me mercifully, with no effort of my own.

This gift entered my soul at a time when I was behaviorally in rebellion against God and was giving him no thought whatsoever. It was pure grace.

The next day I was supposed to meet someone new—a large scale drug dealer—to buy a sheet of acid (meaning, a large volume of LSD doses intended for distribution and sale). This was only one of several drugs I was involved with. Getting caught selling hard drugs would have changed the course of my life with a minimum of many months in a juvenile jail and all that comes with entering the “system,” the stigma, and dashing my parents’ hearts.

I stood there nearly in shock. “What am I doing to my life? How can I do this tomorrow?” But I had been panged by remorse before and it had only lasted a day or two and I went right back into my double life.

Nevertheless, I never met with that person. I don’t recall why. And I never pursued it again. It was pure mercy.

An Unforgettable Witness of Christ

A few months after that incident, I was getting ready to head out for college. I had been taught many times that there are a few important crossroads in life that we’d better pay attention to and make the right move: going to college, getting married, and those kinds of things.

I recognized this as a chance to reprioritize my life. So, I  sought out one of our pastors for counsel and began making small steps to get ready for a big change. Like the Parable of the Lost Son, I was trying to leave the “wild living” behind and trying to head back to the house of my Father (Luke 15:11-32, NIV).

This pastor asked my friend and me to sing a duet during our last Sunday in church before leaving for college. “Sure, no problem,” I answered. I didn’t think much about it.

The song was, “Abide with Me.”

There we stood in front of the small congregation that we knew so well. My friend and I had decent voices and had practiced a time or two and I wasn’t too worried about it.

But the strangest thing happened. The sounds of the hymn became hauntingly beautiful, moving me to a different place. I was filled with the sound of the notes as the words became crystal clear on the page and full of profound truth and significance:

“When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.”

Suddenly, I couldn’t see well. The words blurred as water filled my eyes. To my teenage horror, I was crying, on stage, in front of everyone.

But I couldn’t stop. Just like before, the light that filled me was sweet and clear and so satisfying. It was worth more than anything. I just kept reading and listening to the surreal sounds.

At that moment, I understood the character of Jesus: the help of the helpless. The compassionate one who cares when nobody else does.

The revelation continued, flowing pure and sweet into my mind and heart. Again, I understood that God was the supreme, unchangeable being—more important than any earthly thing. I tried to sing but could only read the words and listen as my friend sang his part. He kept looking at me like, “Whoa, what is goin’ on here?”

“Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see—
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.”

It all made perfect sense. I was comprehending the character of Christ, “who changest not” despite the “change and decay” that I understood was real in this world. For some reason, our Lord chose to “abide with me,” on that stage, in front of the entire congregation.

Fast Forward to Near Madness

Within one week of this precious gift I was back to “wild living.”

I didn’t realize it but I was an addict.

My feelings regarding the goodness of the gospel were real but I lacked the faith and understanding to truly believe and obey the gospel of Jesus Christ. I had no real foundation.

I’m not going to recount my entire life story here, but suffice it to say that my life went back and forth between long periods of no drug abuse with sincere strivings to live a godly life and occasional relapses.

At one point in 1983, I reached a crisis of sorts. My efforts to live the gospel and keep the commandments of God were not working. I was intensely miserable and confused. I knew I didn’t believe in Jesus the way the scriptures taught it. And I somehow couldn’t. I decided the only way to get past it was to start over again: forget everything I knew about God and religion, just follow my heart, make the best decisions I could, and see where that would lead me. I didn’t know what else to do!

I stopped going to church and stopped “keeping the commandments of God,” as such, although that doesn’t mean my life turned into a hedonist free-for-all either. I treated people decently, didn’t party, and did a lot of thinking. (Later in life, I discovered that I also had a mental health condition, diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder II, a depressive form of the more widely known Bipolar Disorder I.)

“How could this happen?” I often thought. “I had really tried to change my life. I tried to follow God and ‘follow the rules.'”

After a year or so of this, I suddenly became despondent. I was scared, in fact, at how gloomy and hopeless I felt. I feared that I was losing my sanity and thought about taking my life to escape.

An Inspired Friend

I can still remember where I was sitting and staring at the floor in this unstable, panicked state with no idea of what to do.

A thought came to me: “Go see Bob Johnson.”

Bob was a good friend, a former spiritual advisor, and a man that I simply trusted. I felt a tiny bit of hope and decided to do it.

Our conversation was intense and his love for me was palpable and comforting. He said I was “hanging by a thread,” which I felt was a truthful statement and didn’t take it as an insult at all.

“You are in Satan’s power,” he said, “and you need to cast him out.”

Hmm… Okay, so this was kind of dramatic and not what I expected. A little crazy, to be honest. “Me? I’m a pretty nice guy,” I thought. “I’m not like a Satanic dude or anything.” I started to pull back from Bob.

“I want you to tell Satan to leave you,” Bob said.

“Huh? How?” I asked.

“Say, ‘Satan. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave me,'” Bob instructed.

I probably just sat and looked at him. I don’t remember. But I do remember being frightened and feeling very unstable. Not evil, but very confused and unhappy.

“Oh, great,” I thought. “Me. Possessed.”

Could it be true? As crazy as it sounded, I opened my mind that it might be true. I had a tiny, new hope.

As we parted that day, he hugged me and he just wept and wept and wept. I sensed that it was the love of God reaching through him in hope and celebration for my willingness to try. It was the Father, loving me through Bob Johnson, spiritually running to my aid, rejoicing at my tiny effort.

The Reality of Satan

Writing this now, in 2018, I’m sure that most people have not and will not ever experience what I’m about to describe. But it is a reality for me and what I felt and experienced was undeniably real.

I learned what constitutes light as I truly witnessed darkness.

I went home and awkwardly explained to my mother what was happening to me and what Bob counseled me to do. I have no idea how I broached the topic with her but somehow my mother and I sat side by side on a couch and I decided to do what Bob advised.

I opened my mouth and verbally commanded Satan to leave me in the name of Jesus Christ using the words above.

Within seconds, I felt a terrifying, dark force pull away from me. The best I can explain it is that I knew this dark power had been enmeshed with me and now it was just a “few inches” outside of me. It was menacing and extremely angry at what was happening and by no means intending to stay outside of me. It was waiting for me to lose focus and come back.

But now I knew there was “me” and there was “it” and I could distinguish the two. I now had experiential certainty that the enemy of my soul was real. This was not faith but perfect knowledge.

I commanded Satan again. And again. Always in the name of Jesus Christ. Over time, the line between us became firmer and the distance greater. My peace and sense of self were forming again.

I had forgotten some of these details until just two years ago when my mother said, “I sure know that Satan is real, like when you cast him out as we were sitting together. What a horrible feeling that was.”

From her vantage point, she had experienced it almost as vividly as I had: an awful, frightening, threatening presence in that room. I did not know (or recall) that she felt it that way until she shared her memory of it with me that day.

Good Overcomes Evil

In the weeks and months that followed, I continued to tell Satan to leave me in the name of Christ, as necessary.

Two things were certain and beyond dispute:

• The evil force I felt was real. Satan was an actual entity and not just a concept.
• The name of Jesus Christ has real power. Satan was enmeshed with me but he could not disobey the command to leave, in Christ’s name. I had been given a tool that worked 100% of the time and that was enormously reassuring.

How I Came to Christ:  Believe in the Name of Jesus

My troubles weren’t over yet, however. Confusion returned frequently because other than knowing how to get Satan’s power to release me, I didn’t really understand what to do next.

I recall telling people, “I feel like I have no foundation. I’m walking in quicksand. I don’t know where to start.”

For someone who had attended church for most of his life and had read the scriptures many times over, this seems ludicrous, looking back, but so it was. I found that there’s a difference between knowing from the head and internalizing from the heart. But I did find my way to Christ.

I recall a certain day when I was staring at green, patterned carpet in a bedroom of my parent’s home, trying to figure out what to do next.

Because I knew the Bible well (meaning, I had made some good decisions in the past to invest effort and try to learn the ways of God), a key phrase popped into my head:

“This is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ.” (1 John 3:23, NIV)

“Just believe in the name of Jesus Christ,” I wondered? I didn’t know Jesus as a man. I had never seen him. But I supposed I could just believe in his name. I could put my whole heart into it. I could decide to trust this Jesus Christ.

“Just do it,” I recall thinking.

But oh, it was hard to do.

I had many atheist friends who poo-pooed the idea of believing the unseen. Their faces and voices in my mind made this a spiritually terrifying decision.

But one thing I knew for sure. I had factual, first-hand, experiential knowledge of this: the name of Jesus Christ has power.

I then received a powerful, merciful, beautiful insight: Into my mind’s eye came my beloved scriptural friends of the past: I spiritually saw John the Apostle, John the Baptist, Peter, and Paul. I felt them saying, “Believe in the name of Jesus. We gave our everything to give you this knowledge. Believe it. We love you. Do it.

I felt in my heart that these dear friends had lived, in reality, and they were righteous, just, and holy men of God and worthy of my trust. I perceived that they were telling me “step 1” to get out of the quicksand.

The Pivotal Decision: Jumping in with Both Feet

I made the decision. I opened the faucet of belief in Jesus Christ and the water of life began to flow into my life. I could feel the difference. It was once again real and discernible evidence within me that there is power in the name of Jesus. (See also What Does Spiritual Light Look Like?)

What the scriptures call “salvation” was happening for the first time in my life. (See Acts 16:30-33.)

I often said in my mind—and still do to this day—”I believe in Jesus Christ. I trust Jesus more than I trust myself. I believe He was sent from the Father. I believe He is the Messiah and I obey Him as Master. I believe Jesus Christ is the very Son of God.” These thoughts and intentions fill my heart with light and happiness and power.

We should never underestimate the power of believing in the Light of the World.

Did you know that the Greek word translated as “believe” in our English Bibles is “pisteuo,” which is a rich word that includes the combination of believe, trust, and obey. That is true, whole-souled belief. That is the kind of belief the scriptures always mean when they say, “Believe on the name of Jesus Christ.”

Today, I am grateful and thrilled to tell you that—praise and thanks be to God—I am truly happy. Genuinely, deeply happy, and at peace.

How Christ Found Me and Cared for Me

I’ve listed just a few episodes in my life where Christ reached out to me to teach me, inspire me, help me understand the truth, and save me—even when I was doing little or nothing to seek him out.

I can’t say that I found Christ. I prefer to say He has been watching over me all my life and finding and touching me, according to His own wisdom and ways.

• He gave me sweet and loving parents who shared their testimonies of truth and lived godly lives to the best of their understanding.
• He gave me the examples of other church members whose sincerity and willingness to love God first was real to me, even as a boy.
• He gave me light and understanding as I read scriptures, participated in church activities, and revealed Himself to me that one eventful day in front of the bulletin board and when I was singing in church.
• He gave me the freedom to make decisions and figure things out on my own but he was always watching for my return. At the first sign of turning, he ran to me like the father of the lost (prodigal) son and whispered the idea to call Bob Johnson to help me.
• He kicked Satan out of my life like the mighty God of the universe that he is. All I had to do was invoke his name, which always has power.

How Christ Finds and Cares for You

I know that our Christ reaches out to every living soul on this earth in ways that are suitable to that person.

Take just a moment to reflect back on your life. Who were the people that were good examples in your life? It might not have been your family. What were the experiences where heavenly light and understanding called you to something higher and helped you understand the things of God? Maybe you appreciated it. Maybe you didn’t.

All of us have been touched and called to something higher. Through somebody. Through a life experience. Through the Spirit of God directly to our souls. But every living soul feels the fingers of God reaching down and inside of them. But will we take that hand?

When did you hear something or read something that touched you? Maybe you felt an impression like, “I can do more with my life; I can turn away from these destructive things in my life,” or “God really is there and he wants me to listen and trust him.”

Those inspired impressions are from God. When we say, “I want to please God and keep feeling those good things more than my destructive, sinful past,” we are moving toward Christ. When we perceive that we should honor Him more than seeking our own pleasures, God is pulling us toward home and happiness.

Why this Site and Why the Book?

After reading this experience, I hope it’s clearer why I have invested so many years writing a book and now preparing this website to support others in coming to know Christ and discover how to believe in him.

May I also recommend one of my top 5 favorite books of all time to grow in faith, trust, and peace through Jesus Christ? This book has become a classic, perennial best-seller, with over 15 million copies sold. Five minutes per day of pure inspiration: Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. Combined with a study of the life of Jesus through my own book and the daily doses of inspired insights from Jesus Calling, you will experience a steady flow of light.

If you believe in Christ and feel passionate about his power in your life, please contact me. Let’s schedule some time to discuss your experience and post a write-up of our conversation for others to read and to grow their faith.

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